At the end of last year I announced, with much joy, that I was officially medication free. It is something I’ve been working towards and thought I had finally made it.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I have tried this year, it has become apparent that I still require it.
Under normal circumstances, I believe I could probably remain off the medication.
However, as it is with life, sometimes you come crashing back down from a high. The fall to reality.
I wanted to write this to let those who are struggling, or those that are coming off their medication know that it’s not as easy as I made it seem when I put my words down. I wanted to write this to those who are struggling, and who read my post and thought “Good for him, but there’s no way I could do that, come off my medication” that it’s okay if you’re not there yet, and its okay if you’re never there. I wanted to write this to let those who are struggling know that not everything always goes to plan, and that it’s okay.
It’s hard coming off the medication.
It’s hard because you are adjusting to a new normal.
For the first few weeks returning to work, there are certain parts where things do get stressful. I was prepared for it. But was I experiencing the stress because it was actually stressful? Or was I finding it stressful because I was off the medication and not used to feeling this way? That nagging question of Should I power through this because this is normal and I can cope with it, or should I go back on the medication because these signs of stress are a signal that I’m not coping without it?
That question is a hard one, because I needed to give myself a chance. To face the stress. To deal with it myself. Without going back onto the medication. That was the last thing I wanted to do. To admit defeat.
At the same time, I didn’t want to stay off them if it this stress was above and beyond what I could cope with, and would mean that I was slowly and surely going backwards into the pit I was in 8 years ago.
The reality for me is that my work has gone through some significant changes. My role has changed and I’m taking on new responsibilities, ones of which I have no experience in and am learning on the fly.
I have tried with all I have within me to remain off the medication. I desperately do not want to go back on them.
But with the additional stress I’m facing, and given my history, I am left with little choice.
So, I am letting you know, that my success of going medication free was short lived. I thought I could cope. I timed it right, in terms of giving myself the best chance of easing into the year without it. But ultimately, with the added workload, expectations, and stress of my new role, now wasn’t the ultimate time for me to go it alone. I will be going back on my reduced dose to assist me, and keep me level headed while I deal with my new role. Once things settle down, I get used to the role, I gain more confidence and build myself back up, I’ll no doubt move again to coming off them.
But for now, I’m done. I can’t go on like I am. Yes – it feels like failure. Yes – it feels like I’ve let myself down. But I know it’s not. It’s just a pause while I get my head straight with the new issues I’m facing.
Thank you to those who continue to support me. I will try again soon. But for now, I’m going back on the stuff so that I can continue to function in my new role.